Why phones cause squabbles in homes

Marriage counsellors observe that a major cause of crises in homes nowadays is the practice where married men, and in some instances even the women, use different codes to deliberately lock their phones to deny their spouses access to information contained therein.

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These include features like their contacts, call logs; SMS; WhatsApp messages; bank balances; shared videos; pictures as well as other correspondences.

This, however, is against the popular expectation that spouses should bond and have unrestricted access to each other’s belongings as it is expected that there should be no secret between them.

Our findings show that while most men do not disclose the codes for accessing their phones, most women on the other hand usually leave their phones without lock codes and even when they install such, they do give them out to almost all members of the family, especially their children.

This has led to issues of trust in many homes as the wives feel that the husbands are hiding things from them.

Checks by our correspondents reveal that the reasons most men want to exercise control over their phones vary.

Responses garnered by Weekend Trust indicate that most wives are not comfortable with the position taken by their husbands to deny them access to their phones, saying it suggests they might be hiding certain things.

To satisfy their curiosity, many women usually hide to observe when their husbands dial the codes or simply wait till when their spouse’s attention is not on the phone, to try their luck.

A 2022 blog at thrivingcenterofpsych.com, titled “Should I look through my partner’s phone?”, had stated that a 2012 study in America revealed that roughly two-third of participants admitted to snooping through their partner’s private messages, including texts and social networking sites, without consent. 

Citing another survey of 1,000 Americans between the ages of 15 and 55, about snooping through their partner’s phone, the findings revealed that “48 per cent of women and 31 per cent of men think snooping is fine. While 60 per cent think it’s never okay to look through a phone. Again, 38 per cent of couples broke up or got into a fight”.

Why men keep their phones locked

From the interaction Weekend Trust had with some men on this issue, the reasons for keeping their phones secret are as varied as the men themselves. Each story related by those interviewed showed actions are borne out of personal experiences and other complexities of a modern relationship. 

While some blame the “high level” of suspicion by women, and matters relating to jealousy, others say try to prevent their wives from  avoidable peeking into their affairs. 

Abdulkadir Aliyu, a journalist from Kano State said the nature of his job and interactions with people is the reason he does not allow his wife to access his phone. He said his phone is “personal”, adding that allowing his wife access could cause misunderstandings in their marriage. 

Abubakar Abdullahi Deba, a business man in Gombe State said he does not “want anyone having access to my bank transactions, that’s why my wife is not allowed to check my phone.” He said aside that, he has nothing to hide. While noting that some men might have extra marital affairs that are capable of ruining their homes once discovered, he said that this is not applicable in his own case.

A senior lecturer from a federal university in the North-east who pleaded anonymity, said he denies his wife access to his phone, because he knows that his “wife is the jealous type and is intolerant of entertaining him having conversations with women. 

“When you find out that your wife has deleted some of your contacts based on suspicion, then you learn to keep your phone locked,” he said.

He explained that initially, he allowed his wife access to his phone, but had to stop when she abused the privilege. “You lock your phone to safeguard your marriage, not because of infidelity,” he said.

Some men on the other hand said lack of trust in marital relationships is the reason behind the quest to check each other’s mobile phones.

Commenting on this, Abdulateef Abubakar Jos, a publisher based in Kano, said in his own case, he does not check his wife’s phone.

“I trust her and she does same. If you don’t have trust and confidence in yourselves, if there’s suspicion, the relationship can never survive. My entire family knows my password. They know her password as well. So, I don’t think there’s any reason for me to hide anything from anyone,” he said.  

Couple’s experiences 

Martha Enoch, a mother of two who resides in Bauchi State, said she is not happy that she does not have access to 

her husband’s phone.

Recalling how things had been in the early years of their marriage, Mrs. Enoch said she saw text messages in her husband’s phone which indicated that he was having an affair.

“I talked about them with him,” she said, and not satisfied with the peripheral explanations he gave her, she decided to let him be.

“When I tried to call his attention, he became angry and warned me against checking his phone,” she said. 

Married to a clergyman, Martha expressed pain over her husband’s behaviour, explaining that he has now tightened his phone’s security.

“If he has a clue that I watched him unlock his phone, he will change the pin. So, I just had to let him be and decided not to care anymore about the phone,” she said.

Martha’s decision to keep mute according to her does not mean that she is okay with his actions. “This has indeed caused a strain in our relationship”, she said, after a deep sigh that indicated a burden on her mind.

Like Martha, Oluchi Agnes from Enugu State also told Weekend Trust how a one-day access to her husband’s phone gave her reasons not to trust him.

“I saw that he was calling someone, our pet name, Baby. I got angry and told him I don’t want ‘Baby’ again. Since we are now plenty answering baby. Since then, we call each other by our names or I call him Daddy,” she said.

The shadow cast over their once affectionate bond, is one she wished never happened.

For Aisha Audu, checking her husband’s phone landed her in hospital. Speaking with our correspondent, she said her husband pounced on her and gave her a serious beating when he caught her snooping through his phone.

“I sustain a cut on my head and had to be rushed to hospital for treatment. I left him after I was discharged”, she said.

Abigail Musa said whenever she sees something suggestive on her husband’s phone and she confronts him, he will not eat her food for at least one week until she begs for forgiveness.

“And I know it is unfair because why should I be begging when he is the one who is wrong?”, she queried.

For Madam Anthonia, she said her husband will rather give her money than allow her go through his phone.

“Sometimes when I want money, I will attempt to go through his phone. Immediately, he will grab it and ask me how much I want. And he will give me the money. So, for me, it’s a win-win situation,” she said.

Popular cleric, Sheikh Dawud Muhammad of Masjidu khulafairrashideen in the Kumbiya-Kumbiya area of Gombe State, while sharing some experiences he came across in the course of his work, recalled an incident where a lady he knew confronted a female contact she found in her husband’s phone.

He said she started “raining insults on the lady and accusing her of dating her husband”, but unknown to her, the woman in question was her husband’s boss in the office. At the end of the day the husband became angry, went home and divorced his wife”.

Citing another instance, the cleric spoke about a husband who divorced his wife when he discovered she had an affair after going through her phone.

Women speak

The popular submission of the women who spoke with Weekend Trust, was that most men who lock their phones have “skeletons in the cupboards.”  Though most of them said their husband’s had full access to their phones, they agreed that if there was nothing to hide, their husbands would not be apprehensive when the phones are in their wives’ possession. 

Oluchi Agnes from Enugu State who earlier expressed disappointment over a message she saw in her husband’s phone, said though “access to my husband’s phone is ideally not supposed to be an issue, men usually have skeletons in their cupboards; that’s why they don’t like it.”

Martha from Bauchi is sure that there is a lot her husband is hiding from her, by keeping his phone’s security tight.

However, 31-year-old Lagos based women, who chose to be identified as Madam Josephine, posited that as a couple, they do not have that time to check each other’s phones.

“It does not cross our minds; maybe because there has been no reason for it,” she said.

Also, Joy William, a resident of Abuja said though she is fully aware of her husband’s PIN, she has no business checking his phone.

“Except there’s something he wants me to see or read which he will most times send to me; and same from my side,” she said.

Some women, however, have access to their partners’ phones but choose not to snoop around them, Ugah Adaku Agatha from Ogun State said she does not touch her husband’s phone for fear of seeing what might upset her. She added that: “My hubby has not given me reasons to suspect him so I don’t bother about his phone”.

Religious perspectives 

Sheikh Dawud, advised that: “You should not spy on your husband even if you suspect him of cheating on you and vice versa and generally we are forbidden from spying on one another, because it is often a product of distrust.”

He quoted Chapter 49 verse 12, of the Qur’an which says “oh you who have belief, avoid being suspicious, for the one who is suspicious is sinful. And do not spy, do not backbite one another. But fear Allah, indeed Allah is forgiving and merciful.” 

Reverend Joshua Sati of the Evangelical Church Wining All –ECWA in Jos, said the act of checking a partner’s phone has been a sensitive subject in most relationships. Pointing to the threats it poses to marriages, the cleric noted that it “can lead to arguments, resentment, and even breakdown of the relationship.” He said it is not Christian-like, and advised couples to deal with the underlying causes such as lack of trust, poor communication and insecurities with biblical teachings that encourage Christians to be “humble, gentle, and patient, bearing with one another in love”- Ephesians 4:2-3 .

Rev. Sati added that fostering healthy relationships in marriage involves building open communications, respecting each other’s boundaries and fostering a sense of security, which according to him can help couples navigate these challenges without resorting to invasive actions like checking phones.

‘Transparency gives women security’

According to an Abuja based marriage counselor, David King, women are usually the ones who go after their husband’s phones more than the other way round, because according to him, in marriages and relationships, women tend to worry more about transparency. 

“Women love to have that confidence in their husbands, to know that there is nothing to be afraid of and she could have access to his phone. There is a level of confidence and security that, that transparency gives to a woman more than it does to a man,” he said.

King, while citing exceptional cases of confidential information that relate to the work space, said, “we have had situations where the wife has gotten information and before you know it the messages are out there.”

While emphasising on some level of trust, confidentiality and team work among couples, he advised the men not to capitalise on such exceptional cases.

Speaking of other unhealthy practices threatening marriages, King identified infidelity as a major reason why couples snoop around each other’s phone, thereby encouraging good communication. 

He added that “couples must learn to be transparent; at least to an extent because you cannot be locking your phone every time, which shows that something is wrong.”

As the debate over phone secrecy in marriages rages, the key according to experts is in finding a balance and what works best for each couple.